So after contemplating for I-don’t-know-how-long, I’ve finally found the courage, time and effort to start writing a blog, so here goes my first post. It’s kinda patchy, so pardon this greenhorn :p (Oh and by the way, I am a tech laggard so please bear with my duh-so-lame-default-template and everything about this blog I couldn’t change…)
Like what I wrote in the introduction column, I decided to start this blog to remind myself of how God’s grace has endlessly embraced me my whole life, and here, I am about to tell you the first one that came to my mind, out of His gazillion other blessings I will never be able to count.
So here it goes.
If you happen to be my friend or one of my closest ones, you’ll know that I’m a feminist. Not the hardcore ones who go marching down the street or outside the parliamentary building protesting for women’s rights…but I’m a feminist at heart. I try so hard to be strong, and when I can’t – I’ll at least try to look strong – and I’m a good pretender at that. All my life I told myself I have to go beyond the ordinary, and I lived by the “tell me I can’t, I’ll show you I can” motto, and I am obsessed with trying to show people that hey, despite being a girl, I too, can achieve great things and nothing’s gonna stop me!
Until something actually did stop me.
It happened on one ordinary night, when I was at my friend’s room, happily enjoying my fat-stricken supper (I eat a lot, and I am pretty inconsiderate at that) when an indescribable sharp pain hit me on the back. I shrieked, and no longer able to bear the pain, lied down on the floor. I tried to get up several times, but I just couldn’t. I tried telling myself that it shouldn’t be anything worth worrying about, but deep down I know something’s wrong inside of me.
And so after almost an hour of not being able to move, I decided that lying down at my friend’s place like that was not a good idea either. With the help from a very good friend and roommate of mine, I was helped to my own room (which is luckily just two storeys down from my friend’s room, else what would happen to my poor friend who had to help me there as I’m…quite heavy).
That night, for the very first time in my life, I felt a sense of fear and helplessness more than anything I have ever felt in my life. I needed assistance to pass urine, and it was embarrassing. I could barely move my own body, let alone do anything properly. I felt useless and weak.
Long story short, after consulting 5 doctors in total cause we didn’t want to believe what we heard from each and every one of them, we had to accept the truth. My spine is misaligned, but yet worst of all: my nervous system isn’t functioning properly. This led to several consequences: my absence of menstruation, the damage of my vocal cord, some not-so-pleasant pains I get all over my body, and a lot of other consequences that will worsen over time, as predicted by the doctor.
Dad looked frustrated, Mom looked devastated. My sisters wanted to cry. I consoled and told them everything’s okay and I felt perfectly fine, but deep inside I’m shred to pieces. People pitied me, and I hate being pitied. I hate asking for help to do things, yet I had to. I had to spend a fortune for my therapy, and I felt like I was a burden to people around me. Worst of all? My mom told me that with my conditions, I am not fit enough to go to university.
And that’s where the ultimate question hit me:
“God, where are you? How could you let this happen to me?”
I have been a lifelong Christian. I read the Bible, I grew up in a Christian family, and I even spent my teenage years doing ministry. I thought I believed in Him – but that single was apparently enough to shake the faith I thought I had for so many years, and it made me bitter.
“God, You knew I wanted to go to university so badly. And just as I am this close to reaching my dreams, You took it all away. How could You? What have I done wrong that I deserve this? Can You hear me? Hey, are You there?”
I was so desperate and faithless that in my moment of anger, I told a brother in Christ of mine, “If God exists, He better show me something. For 16 years I’ve been a believer, but now I need to see something. I need evidence.”
Sounds rude much, doesn’t it? For 16 years He’s been so good to me, and just in the blink of an eye, when things go wrong, I turned my back on Him, and I even doubted His existence. Ungrateful little girl.
But I thank God that despite my bitterness, despite my ungratefulness, despite all that I am – He did not let me go. He never has, and He never will. He listened to my prayer, and not so long after the rants I threw at Him and the rude challenge of “God better show me something”, He actually did!
As a consequence of my misaligned backbone, my right leg has always been shorter than the left one, and this is proven by the doctors’ observation, and also by the X-ray films. After knowing what happened to me, my Pastor told me to sit down and said he wanted to pray for me. And VOILA! There and then, God made them of equal length in front of my very eyes! (I still ask Him to this very day whether he shortened the longer one or lengthened the shorter one). Not being able to believe my own eyes, I asked the doctor to do the measurements again upon my next visit, and even my doctor couldn’t believe what he saw!
I wish I could tell you that I’ve been perfectly fine afterwards, that I’ve never felt pain any longer, that I no longer have to go for therapy sessions, that my backbone is no longer misaligned, and that I have always been grateful to Him ever since. I’m sorry to disappoint you, but no I have not.
God showed me a miracle, but there is still a long way to go. God made my legs even, but the backbone stays the same. But despite all the buts, Jesus has never let me go. He gave me faith when I was faithless.
One thing I learnt through this, is that you don’t have to be perfect. You don’t need to be perfect, cause He is. My health may not be perfect, but oh boy I’d rather choose wrecked nerves than a wrecked faith! And hey, God works through your imperfections!
Jesus Heals a Man Born Blind
9 As he went along, he saw a man blind from birth. 2 His disciples asked him, “Rabbi, who sinned,this man or his parents, that he was born blind?”
3 “Neither this man nor his parents sinned,” said Jesus, “but this happened so that the works of God might be displayed in him.
Doesn’t matter if you’re flawed! 🙂
And now, He made me realize that He let all this happen so that His works might be displayed in me, through the healed legs, through the misaligned spine, through the wrecked nerves. If I had never been weak and helpless, I’ll never realize that I needed His grace to sustain me. If I had never been faithless, I’ll never realize that He is faithful. If I had never gone through this, I’ll never embark on this journey of faith that I desperately needed for my life.
I was broken, and I still am, but that doesn’t matter. I don’t know what my future holds for me, I don’t know whether I’ll fully recover, but one thing I know for sure – whatever my future holds for me, whether I’m healthy or sick, He is always there for me. And He’ll never let me go.
I am far from being perfect, but one thing I know for sure: I am loved by a perfect God.